Tuesday, January 22, 2013


I could say that this weekend was the worst, one for the books even. But I can't. Because it was also one of the best.

On Saturday night I was having severe chest pains (due to my heart condition), I get them a lot but not this bad. So I told my boyfriend it was getting worse and off the the emergency room we went. Apparently my hospital was the only one open in the area that night (weird?) so it was packed and they only had 7 beds. We arrived there at about 1 in the morning. They always take me into triage right away because of my heart condition. So they called me in, gave me a bracelet, and checked me in. A few minutes later they called me back to take some blood - OUCH! As I cried because the lady poked me on accident, Kyle was right there holding my hand and telling me it was okay. Since there wasn't a bed for me yet I had to go back out into the waiting room and wait until one was available. It took 2 long, painful, annoying hours. But Kyle was right next to me, holding me, letting me sleep on his chest and holding my hand. Finally around 3am there was a bed for me! I had to wait for one with a heart monitor. I took my first EKG and the doctor said it wasn't good. So I was out on oxygen. Which was a first for me. I laid there with all these wires, machines, and oxygen attached to me. All while Kyle only had a little chair to sit on and wait. I had one more EKG which looked better, and one X-ray before I got some pain medicine! Ridiculous, but whatever. They finally came in and they usually give me basic Tylenol but this time they gave me a nitro patch. So I waited for it to work and it did! Pretty soon after I started to get a migraine. Kyle told me that was one of the side affects (mr. EMT). It got really really bad and on top of that they lady came back in to take even more blood! I was miserable. But after that i got to sleep for a while. Poor Kyle had to toss and turn on a little chair. He amazed me this weekend. We haven't really been able to spend much time together because of his work schedule so this was the most I've seen him all week! Too bad it had to be spent in the emergency room. Kyle was there holding my hand, telling me it will all be okay, rubbing my head, talking to my doctors, making sure they knew my medical history, being the most supportive boyfriend ever. Finally, at around 8am I was discharged. We went home and slept until about 3 I think! When we woke up we were STARVING having not eaten since dinner the night before. So we went to chipotle! Yummy! We took it home and watched a movie. Even after I got home Kyle was still so careful with me and still making sure I was ok! He was so great to me! The whole time I was in the hospital I just kind of looked at him and thought, I am so lucky to have this guy in my life and by my side!

I loved being able to spend so much time with Kyle but I hated the circumstances haha. I'm feeling a lot better now and now have tons of appts to go to to make sure this doesn't keep happening! I'll be happy when I find a way around all of this!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

So I decided to trade in my iPad for a new laptop! Now I can actually view my blog and don't have to type awkwardly with only one finger, haha.

Its the day after Christmas, and I cant believe it! This year has gone by super fast. We celebrated on Christmas Eve with my family and we had so much fun. I loved every minute of it. On Christmas day we opened presents and relaxed all day long. Santa was good to me this year :) And today, mom and I woke up early and hit some of the sales. We were surprised there wasn't more people out there, but we were early birds so we probably beat the crowds.

As far as this month, it has been a pretty tough one for me. Last month I was put on a medication for my heart condition (and it also was supposed to help with my headaches!) and it just isn't working. It has made me so extremely tired, depressed, and sick! It hit me the hardest last week and made me sleep for a whole day straight! And when I was awake, I was just tired and depressed (even though I have nothing to be sad about!) and had the worst body aches imaginable. I have been miserable. Unfortunately for me you cannot stop taking this medication suddenly or you will have a heart attack or stroke. So! I have to get off gradually. Which means 2 or 3 more weeks of this! And even when you are getting off, you have to be very careful with what you do, no exercise..etc., because you still run the risk of having a heart attack. This has been so hard for me. Its so frustrating knowing you are not this tired, sad person but I am unable to control my body on this medication. The best way to describe it is just feeling trapped inside someone you know you are not. I cannot wait until this is all over and I can get back to feeling like myself again.

On a brighter note! To help with my anxiety (yes, another medical problem I have to deal with), my doctor told me that doing Yoga would help it tremendously. I used to take it back in college and I LOVED it! So i can't wait to start again! I found this cute little place that has Yoga, YoBo (yoga infused with kick boxing), YoBA (yoga infused with ballet moves!), and stretch and relaxation! I bought a new yoga mat and new yoga pants today and cannot wait to put them to use when I start feeling better!

As for Kyle and I, we are still so happy. We work around his (busy, busy) work schedule and see each other on the weekends mostly. I can't wait until next year when he gets a new schedule that will allow us to see each other more often! He has been so great this past month with everything going on despite not being around as much as I would like him to. He is the best!


Friday, November 16, 2012


Yes, I know that's not today's date. I've had a very emotional week, yesterday making the most stress. I've been debating back and forth wether i wanted to blog about this, but in the end if it works out, I want to remember this.

All of my close friends know that I have had no relationship with my "dad." (i quote the word dad because there are certain things I think that make a father. It's more than being blood. I could make a list but I'm sure you know.)
Anyway, my friends are the ones who know about my dad, how he was an alcoholic while i was growing up, he was verbally, mentally, physically abusive and as a child and as an adult you never forget those kinds of things. I have no good memories with my dad. Just a lot of pent up anger and resentment. Well, last week I was with my cousin and we were talking about Kyle and I and how it would be if we ever get married, and I told her when I do, my little brother would be walking me down the aisle because I have no relationship with my dad. She was shocked. Other than my immediate family, the rest don't know anything. Because its not the kind of thing you bring up at Thanksgiving dinner, or a birthday party, etc. I explained to her everything and she could some what relate being that her dad (my dads brother) was never there for her. Only on his death bed did he apologize for everything he had put her through. He passed away and she regret not saying certain things, and thinking about how things could have been different. She told me to think things over, not to be like her and take advantage of things. I told her I needed an apology for everything he has done, said, put me through. She said I may never get one unless I say so. I couldn't see myself demanding an apology from a 54 year old man. I didn't do anything wrong, why should I even have to bring it up? Force him? So, she said she would pray for me and him. I thanked her and we continued shopping.

Yesterday, randomly, my dad asked me if I had a second. I said "what for?" (We don't speak at all so I was shocked) and he said, 'I just want to apologize for everything that I put you through.' I was so surprised all I could say was "why now?" I couldn't even look at him or else I knew I would start crying. He said "I know it's my fault we have no relationship. The way I treated you. I didn't know how to be a father to a daughter. I'm hoping we could work on it. I know things wont be fixed in a day, but we could take small steps and try." I was so shocked I couldn't say anything. I jus sat there staring at the wall in front of me. I didn't know what to say. Even if I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to say it without crying. It's all I've been wanting to hear all of my life. But it was so..weird to me, I couldn't handle it. I immediately texted my cousin because I thought she had said something to him to make him come around. The first thing she said was that I made her cry, that she was so happy, and that she had been praying for me. She said she didn't say anything to him.

I'm still in shock. I'm still soaking it in. It don't know how to act or what to say now. After everything I've been through, I'm so used to not having a dad, maybe I don't know how to be a daughter to a father. It's bittersweet for sure. Bitter: I'm confused. Sweet: this is what I've been waiting for.

Baby steps, I guess.


She said "I don't know if I've ever been good enough.
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in.
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give.
And I'm a little bit angry."

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Babylove part 2!

Joseph Daniel Canales decided to put his mama through 24.5hrs of labor!! He was born today and we got to go see the little bundle of joy! Between my two cousins and my mom's labor stories, I'm almost afraid to get pregnant (in the future of course)! The excitement, the lack of sleep, the hormones, the (wait for it) PAIN, I just don't know haha! I'm still baby crazy though, and will anxiously await the day I get to have a little bundle myself, despite hearing stories! On a brighter note, it was so heart-warming to see Andrea and Coba and their little one together and oh so happy! They are the perfect family. I can't wait to spend so much time with baby Joseph!! I just wanted to squeeze him!! But I didn't lol. So happy for my sister-cousin.

Joseph Daniel Canales
11/08/12 9:31 AM
7lbs 3oz, 21 inches long!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Baby love

Today is a great day for babies to be born! My nephew Joseph Daniel has made it clear that he is ready to be out of his mama's womb! Just two days after I was with Andrea (Joseph's mommy) she went into labor! We were having and lunch and took a trip to ikea to get last minute things for baby when she started having contractions. I was nervous that she might go into labor while we were together and wouldn't know what to do, haha! She assured me that it wasn't time yet, and if it was she had everything ready and had a plan! I'm so happy for Andrea and her hubby. They have been trying to have a baby for 3 years and have suffered 2 miscarriages. They are so strong! Drea's hubby is a pastor and so of course they had God on their side! They put all of their faith into Him and he blessed them with a little baby boy!

Joseph, we have waited for your arrival longer than the 9 months you were baking in your mommy's tummy! You don't know how much love you're about to come into!! Hurry up and make your arrival, we are waiting for you!

The mommy and daddy to be!

Friday, November 2, 2012