Yes, I know that's not today's date. I've had a very emotional week, yesterday making the most stress. I've been debating back and forth wether i wanted to blog about this, but in the end if it works out, I want to remember this.
All of my close friends know that I have had no relationship with my "dad." (i quote the word dad because there are certain things I think that make a father. It's more than being blood. I could make a list but I'm sure you know.)
Anyway, my friends are the ones who know about my dad, how he was an alcoholic while i was growing up, he was verbally, mentally, physically abusive and as a child and as an adult you never forget those kinds of things. I have no good memories with my dad. Just a lot of pent up anger and resentment. Well, last week I was with my cousin and we were talking about Kyle and I and how it would be if we ever get married, and I told her when I do, my little brother would be walking me down the aisle because I have no relationship with my dad. She was shocked. Other than my immediate family, the rest don't know anything. Because its not the kind of thing you bring up at Thanksgiving dinner, or a birthday party, etc. I explained to her everything and she could some what relate being that her dad (my dads brother) was never there for her. Only on his death bed did he apologize for everything he had put her through. He passed away and she regret not saying certain things, and thinking about how things could have been different. She told me to think things over, not to be like her and take advantage of things. I told her I needed an apology for everything he has done, said, put me through. She said I may never get one unless I say so. I couldn't see myself demanding an apology from a 54 year old man. I didn't do anything wrong, why should I even have to bring it up? Force him? So, she said she would pray for me and him. I thanked her and we continued shopping.
Yesterday, randomly, my dad asked me if I had a second. I said "what for?" (We don't speak at all so I was shocked) and he said, 'I just want to apologize for everything that I put you through.' I was so surprised all I could say was "why now?" I couldn't even look at him or else I knew I would start crying. He said "I know it's my fault we have no relationship. The way I treated you. I didn't know how to be a father to a daughter. I'm hoping we could work on it. I know things wont be fixed in a day, but we could take small steps and try." I was so shocked I couldn't say anything. I jus sat there staring at the wall in front of me. I didn't know what to say. Even if I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to say it without crying. It's all I've been wanting to hear all of my life. But it was so..weird to me, I couldn't handle it. I immediately texted my cousin because I thought she had said something to him to make him come around. The first thing she said was that I made her cry, that she was so happy, and that she had been praying for me. She said she didn't say anything to him.
I'm still in shock. I'm still soaking it in. It don't know how to act or what to say now. After everything I've been through, I'm so used to not having a dad, maybe I don't know how to be a daughter to a father. It's bittersweet for sure. Bitter: I'm confused. Sweet: this is what I've been waiting for.
Baby steps, I guess.
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